The Journey

So in my last post I spilled the beans about baby #6!  Woohoo :) We are so excited! What a journey it has been already though and I am only 14 weeks :)  The last 7 1/2 weeks have been rough, and rough is putting it mildly. Starting at about 6 weeks the sickness set in, and it set in hard!  Pretty much putting me on the couch and unable to do anything! My first doctors app. was when I was 10 weeks. Since I was 10 wks they tried to find the heart beat through the doppler (usually you can't until you are farther along), so they told me not to freak out. (my fingers were crossed though lol ) Sure enough they placed it on my tummy and there was that amazing sound that every mother longs to hear! Pure Sweetness! A Life! A miracle! A beating heart! They only had it for like 5 seconds before they lost it & couldn't find it again, but those 5 seconds were priceless!!  It was just what I needed after throwing up nonstop for the past 4-5 wks. A little motivation :) My dr. put me on Zofran to help with the sickness. Its not just your normal morning sickness. I have severe hyperemisis. The medicine isn't really helping  :( I really feel like if I could take more, more often it might help! I am trying to avoid the hospital as much as possible! So at my next dr. app. we will be talking about more options. A couple days after my visit my dr. called and said my labs came back abnormal. She wanted me to go see an Endocrinologist. That Monday I got an app. & was seen. They said that my thyroid was high.  The doctor proceeded to give me ALL this information at once-VERY overwhelming.  She said that having a high thyroid when pregnant is very dangerous because it can lead to losing the baby. She said she could put me on medicine if it got too high. BUT the medicine has not been proven "safe" for the baby. So she ran some more labs and said she would see me back in 10 days. Wow, really?!?!  All she did was scare me to death, make me extremely stressed, emotional and worried!!  I got in my car and just cried!! I felt hopeless, discouraged! I mean what is someone to feel and think when they just told you, you could lose your baby or take a drug that isn't safe for your baby???!! After a few days of crying and doing a lot of praying, I was feeling more at peace! I knew this wasn't meant for me to carry.  I need to leave it in His hands! He knows whats going on & He is in control!  I have to trust Him! If I don't put my faith in Him and trust Him, I'm gonna be a MESS!  That Wed. I got the honor of being able to see our baby on an ultra sound! I'm not going to lie, first time ever, first thing I did was look right for that heart beat! Didn't look at the cute legs and arms and the baby's profile. STRAIGHT for that beautiful heart just beating as fast as it can! Huge sigh of relief! Oh the peace I felt! I can't even explain!  I almost cried right there on the table! Then I got to sit back & enjoy watching this baby move their arms all around and kick their little legs! And amazing that I couldn't feel a thing! Crazzzzy :) I could have sat there forever just watching this precious life God is making just move around & watch their little heart just beat with life flowing from it!

It's not the best pic. I need to scan it in. But here is our precious baby!  So blessed!! What a miracle life is!

Adam and I ,beaming with joy, after getting to see our precious baby!  :) 

 Jumping ahead to the 10 days with the specialist. My blood work came back pretty much the same. It didn't go up (Praise God) but it also didn't go down. She did an ultra sound on my thyroid to see if anything showed up abnormal. I can tell you that those 10 minutes were so nerve racking! I remember thinking...Um she isn't saying anything, Lord this must not be good. Then I brought myself back to looking at the ceiling and just praying over and over and over. Praying for His peace, His protection over me, over the baby! Then I thought, oh man I should have brought someone with me, someone to hold my hand and keep me calm! Then I scratched that and went back into praying and worshiping in my head! I finally got the guts to say, so does everything look ok?  She went into her big long lengthy stories and of way too much detail for my little brain to even comprehend lol. I just needed a yes- no type answer. But I then realized I wasn't getting a yes -no. I was getting a lot of if this, if that. She said that I had a couple spots showing up on my thyroid but that they were probably nothing. The dr. went on to say that this is not something that she can just say yes your fine and not see me again. This is something that she has to watch very closely. She began to say that I tested positive for some kind of autoimmune disease. She said that, that could be whats happening here, is that it is flaring up. She said a lot of people have this disease and nothing ever happens with it. She said I could be that case. She said it could just be the extra hormones from the baby that are making the levels go up. She doesn't really know! So for now, I have to get labs done every 2 weeks and then another ultra sound of my thyroid done in 6 wks. Unless my labs go up, she will just continue to monitor me and see what happens and then see what happens after I have the baby. Adam and I have prayed and we both feel confident that even if my levels go up, I will not take any medicine! We are choosing to trust in the Lord! Trusting Him for direction, trust Him for healing, and protection over both, me and the baby! We have talked with our chiropractor and explained everything to him. He feels pretty strongly that my labs are coming back abnormal because I am extremely sick and have not kept anything down in some time. So of course my body is going to make extra thyroid to try and just keep up with everything. I will say, his reasoning and theory gives me a lot more peace :) but nothing is for sure! Its just so scary! There are days that seem too heavy for me to carry and the fear of losing this baby takes over!  I have sat on the phone with adam and cried over why? Why can I not just have one easy, smooth, stress free pregnancy?? Why me? Its so not fair that woman get pregnant and are never sick a day in the whole 9 months! Its not fair that they never have any issues!! Why? Why can't I just really enjoy just 1 pregnancy?? Why does everything have to get complicated and everything have to change?? I have sat on the phone with Adam's mom & have cried with her asking the same thing!  I remember the day I sat in my closet and just cried with her on the phone and she said, you know Jessica, I don't understand. I don't know why you are so sick. I don't know! It didn't give me answers, but she was honest and in some way, oddly enough, it made me feel better. I sat in my closer for some time just having some time with God.  I might not understand why I'm so sick and some people aren't, I might not understand why pregnancy is rough for me and something always comes up. But I don't have to understand! All I have to do is keep going, keep trusting in Him and believing in Him! He understands, He holds the future, He is in control, He has a plan!! I'm resting in that and in that alone! I need tone grateful for today & the opportunities that He has given me so far! He won't give me more than I can handle. I have wondered  at times how can I handle all this, but I can, through Him!  I know I have said it before, but all this is so worth it... To get to that beautiful life! The strength that God builds in you through trials, the faith He builds, the trust! Through trials you find more of yourself and you grow! I'm Thankful that He is showing me more of myself through this and He is having me grow! I am blessed! I am beyond blessed that He chose me to carry this baby, to love this baby, protect this baby, even through the hard times, He knew I could handle it and He chose me! I choose to give Him thanks! I will carry this baby and bare the 24/7 sickness with grace! I will choose to not live by fear and I am choosing to trust in the Lord!  In some way as horrid as this sickness is, God is helping me find peace in the sickness. Yes, oh yes, I wish it would ease up and pray it does!! But I can't change it, only pray through it! I have to find the good in the tough! I have never had a pregnancy where I wasn't sick. By being sick, shows me the extra hormones of this baby are running through me. They are alive and working! So I will turn this sickness around and use it as a little peace! For His strength and peace I am grateful! For this moment, this day, this journey , I am thankful!