Receiving the Blessings

Throughout this pregnancy God is teaching me how to "receive". Might sound a little silly, but yes receive. Receive in all sorts of ways! I really enjoy reaching out to other people and meeting their needs, go out of my way to just bless people;  BUT...I am not always the best at receiving it! I think some of it has to do with the way I was brought up. I am just use to having everything on my plate and having to just deal with things. There wasn't reason to ask for help from someone. So when people offer to help me I am really good at just saying, "I think we are good, but thank you." I appreciate the offer of help from others. Shows me that they care. But if I took their help, that would show I am weak and I can't handle whats on my plate. If I took that help, the guilt would just take over! But oh how God is showing me this is not right! I don't have to have it all together! No one does!! Accepting help is not a sign of weakness. Accepting help is God's way of blessing us. I am sure this post is going to be so jumbled together and maybe confusing at times. Sorry about that. When I first found out we were pregnant with baby #6 Yes I was extremely happy, so over joyed I couldn't stand it! But then the thought of telling people gave me a pit in my stomach. The worry of what people were going to think just overwhelmed me. But why should it?? This is a precious life that God is blessing us with! I don't need their acceptance. I knew there was one person I needed to get past telling and then it was home free- so to speak :) That conversation went just like I thought it would go, they were upset and had nothing to say. I was glad when the conversation was over, I was relieved that I told them, but then the heavy heart set in. I was sadden that something that was so exciting and special to me and the one person outside of Adam that should be excited, well....wasn't! In a way it took all the joy out of this exciting news for me!  It was that moment that God reminded me of so many things! He reminded me that they can't steal my joy, because they didn't give it to me! He is the one blessing me, not them! I started looking up bible verses and quotes. One was, "Be careful of those who'll try to steal your joy. Our Joy should not be dependent on external factors but only that of the Lord." I was letting this person steal my joy about one of the most awesome things in life-Life itself! I was afraid to feel joyful, I was afraid to feel happy,  I thought I needed peoples acceptance! But no!  I started receiving His joy, and really His acceptance! His acceptance and Joy was all I needed, it didn't matter what anyone else wanted to think of us having a baby or how they felt!  We are excited about this life! We are blessed! I want to shout it from the roof tops!! Receiving acceptance and joy=step one.
   Now onto receiving help!  AHHHH I'm so not good at it!! God is not done with me yet!! THANKFULLY! As sick as I am, I mean seriously sick, I have needed some help! I have been sick in the past but I always just kept going. But nope, that wasn't happening! It was from the bed, to the toilet, to the couch! Thats my life! Adam and the kids have been a huge, HUGE help!! Of course I don't want to put too much on the kids. After all they didn't ask for another baby( they are super excited), so they shouldn't have to run a house for 9 months! I believe in kids being kids! Juliana tries too much to help sometimes and I say no, go play with your dolls. :)  Adam's mom came down one day at the beginning of Feb. and that was the first day that I really had to shut my mouth and just practice accepting help! She wasn't going to take NO for an answer! She came down, watched the kids while I went to the dr. She cooked 3 full dinners for us, cleaned my house and yes, she even gave me a foot massage. That was stretching it for me, let me tell you! But my heart was so full, the audacity she had to go out of her way, drive 2 hours to be at my house by 8 am, watch my kids, do school with them, make us 3 dinners, clean my house and then drive back the same day! WOW!! What was she thinking?? She was being Christ and serving!  I was overwhelmed with her kindness, her generosity, her love, her heart, her willing to give! I'm really blown away! I am use to wanting to do that for people, but not the other way around. And Lord knows it was an act of God for me to sit back & just receive it all! There was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

This is Adam's mom cooking 3 different dinners with the kids! 

 I have always told adam that I don't need peoples help, I don't want to burden them,  they aren't the ones having their 6 baby, its not their problem! I have to deal with this on my own, this is my life, I have to handle it, but oh how wrong I was! There is not fault in asking or accepting help! We are the body of Christ and SHOULD help each other. If I am good enough to reach out, help and bless others, then I am good enough to receive it! (don't ask how long it has taken me to get there) :)  And it is still a work in progress for me. It doesn't just come natural to let someone help me. So don't think if you offer I am just going to jump up & shout YES :) I don't think I will ever just be that person who just drops my kids off at the drop of a hat or is going to always ask for help, but God is teaching me that its ok to let people bless me! Its ok to receive help! Guilt about receiving help is not from God!
   When thinking about this I started to think about "Love Languages".
What is your "Love Language"?  Have you ever really thought about it? Is it #1 Words of Affirmation?
#2 Quality Time? #3 Receiving Gifts? #4 Acts of Service? #5 Physical Touch?
 Do you give easier or receive easier? Or both??  After having so many people reach out & me saying no I'm fine, God really began to work in my heart & teach me a little bit more about myself but also about these "Love Languages". I'm not perfect by any means, but I do love to give people words of encouragement, I love spending time with people, I love giving people things, helping them out in any way possible. Which will run you dry if you aren't careful. Have to have boundaries! BUT when it comes to receiving those things, I am not the best! Then how am I getting my "love tank" full?? I probably am not...If I can't receive love, then I can't give love the best!
 There is alway one love language that really speaks to you! I mean you can have a little bit of all of them. I think from my past & the way I was raised & grew up I try hard to stay away from certain ones though ;) But when I really think about it,  although I can connect with most of them, I would say that the ones that stand out the most to me, that really make me feel full, would be quality time, words of affirmation- not telling me how beautiful I am or how great I am, but just making me feel important to that person! Obviously with different people it can be different love languages. With Adam it might be one different then with my friends. Anyways I know this came from left field. I am still processing it all and actually pulled my book "The Five Love Languages" out and am rereading it.  I am determined to not be closed up, always wanting to pour out & never let people pour into me. I want to receive so I can pour out! Its not always easy to receive, but I am working on that!
  A few weeks ago my friend Rachel asked if she could bring us dinner. Honestly I avoided the text for like a day...I didn't know how to say no. I felt bad. She has enough going on with her own health, she doesn't need to be making us dinner! I should be strong enough to cook my own family dinner. That was all flesh talking. I'm not strong enough and I accepted her offer. If she didn't want to, she wouldn't have offered. I shouldn't feel bad! My family was blessed with some amazing home cooked soup that they loved! If I didn't except I would have been taking something away from them, not me! I had a friend then write me just last week and asked if she could bring us dinner. Of course I told her no, that we were fine. She wrote and asked what day works. I let the email go, not knowing what to do or say. I am just not one for all the attention to be on me! I don't want to be stand offish though, I don't want to be difficult or the person who can't receive. So I yet again had to be ok with receiving. Its a process for me. :) I am not perfect and not always going to be good at receiving. But I am beyond blessed and thankful for God placing people in my life that are willing to pour into me, blessed me & help me!  I am human and need help some times, just like so many other people! Doesn't make me weak, doesn't make me fail, doesn't make me bad! For now I am learning to Enjoy receiving God's blessing through other people! Even the little things like beautiful flowers from our wonderful Pastor and his wife to cheer up my day and let me know they are praying for me!

The Journey

So in my last post I spilled the beans about baby #6!  Woohoo :) We are so excited! What a journey it has been already though and I am only 14 weeks :)  The last 7 1/2 weeks have been rough, and rough is putting it mildly. Starting at about 6 weeks the sickness set in, and it set in hard!  Pretty much putting me on the couch and unable to do anything! My first doctors app. was when I was 10 weeks. Since I was 10 wks they tried to find the heart beat through the doppler (usually you can't until you are farther along), so they told me not to freak out. (my fingers were crossed though lol ) Sure enough they placed it on my tummy and there was that amazing sound that every mother longs to hear! Pure Sweetness! A Life! A miracle! A beating heart! They only had it for like 5 seconds before they lost it & couldn't find it again, but those 5 seconds were priceless!!  It was just what I needed after throwing up nonstop for the past 4-5 wks. A little motivation :) My dr. put me on Zofran to help with the sickness. Its not just your normal morning sickness. I have severe hyperemisis. The medicine isn't really helping  :( I really feel like if I could take more, more often it might help! I am trying to avoid the hospital as much as possible! So at my next dr. app. we will be talking about more options. A couple days after my visit my dr. called and said my labs came back abnormal. She wanted me to go see an Endocrinologist. That Monday I got an app. & was seen. They said that my thyroid was high.  The doctor proceeded to give me ALL this information at once-VERY overwhelming.  She said that having a high thyroid when pregnant is very dangerous because it can lead to losing the baby. She said she could put me on medicine if it got too high. BUT the medicine has not been proven "safe" for the baby. So she ran some more labs and said she would see me back in 10 days. Wow, really?!?!  All she did was scare me to death, make me extremely stressed, emotional and worried!!  I got in my car and just cried!! I felt hopeless, discouraged! I mean what is someone to feel and think when they just told you, you could lose your baby or take a drug that isn't safe for your baby???!! After a few days of crying and doing a lot of praying, I was feeling more at peace! I knew this wasn't meant for me to carry.  I need to leave it in His hands! He knows whats going on & He is in control!  I have to trust Him! If I don't put my faith in Him and trust Him, I'm gonna be a MESS!  That Wed. I got the honor of being able to see our baby on an ultra sound! I'm not going to lie, first time ever, first thing I did was look right for that heart beat! Didn't look at the cute legs and arms and the baby's profile. STRAIGHT for that beautiful heart just beating as fast as it can! Huge sigh of relief! Oh the peace I felt! I can't even explain!  I almost cried right there on the table! Then I got to sit back & enjoy watching this baby move their arms all around and kick their little legs! And amazing that I couldn't feel a thing! Crazzzzy :) I could have sat there forever just watching this precious life God is making just move around & watch their little heart just beat with life flowing from it!

It's not the best pic. I need to scan it in. But here is our precious baby!  So blessed!! What a miracle life is!

Adam and I ,beaming with joy, after getting to see our precious baby!  :) 

 Jumping ahead to the 10 days with the specialist. My blood work came back pretty much the same. It didn't go up (Praise God) but it also didn't go down. She did an ultra sound on my thyroid to see if anything showed up abnormal. I can tell you that those 10 minutes were so nerve racking! I remember thinking...Um she isn't saying anything, Lord this must not be good. Then I brought myself back to looking at the ceiling and just praying over and over and over. Praying for His peace, His protection over me, over the baby! Then I thought, oh man I should have brought someone with me, someone to hold my hand and keep me calm! Then I scratched that and went back into praying and worshiping in my head! I finally got the guts to say, so does everything look ok?  She went into her big long lengthy stories and of way too much detail for my little brain to even comprehend lol. I just needed a yes- no type answer. But I then realized I wasn't getting a yes -no. I was getting a lot of if this, if that. She said that I had a couple spots showing up on my thyroid but that they were probably nothing. The dr. went on to say that this is not something that she can just say yes your fine and not see me again. This is something that she has to watch very closely. She began to say that I tested positive for some kind of autoimmune disease. She said that, that could be whats happening here, is that it is flaring up. She said a lot of people have this disease and nothing ever happens with it. She said I could be that case. She said it could just be the extra hormones from the baby that are making the levels go up. She doesn't really know! So for now, I have to get labs done every 2 weeks and then another ultra sound of my thyroid done in 6 wks. Unless my labs go up, she will just continue to monitor me and see what happens and then see what happens after I have the baby. Adam and I have prayed and we both feel confident that even if my levels go up, I will not take any medicine! We are choosing to trust in the Lord! Trusting Him for direction, trust Him for healing, and protection over both, me and the baby! We have talked with our chiropractor and explained everything to him. He feels pretty strongly that my labs are coming back abnormal because I am extremely sick and have not kept anything down in some time. So of course my body is going to make extra thyroid to try and just keep up with everything. I will say, his reasoning and theory gives me a lot more peace :) but nothing is for sure! Its just so scary! There are days that seem too heavy for me to carry and the fear of losing this baby takes over!  I have sat on the phone with adam and cried over why? Why can I not just have one easy, smooth, stress free pregnancy?? Why me? Its so not fair that woman get pregnant and are never sick a day in the whole 9 months! Its not fair that they never have any issues!! Why? Why can't I just really enjoy just 1 pregnancy?? Why does everything have to get complicated and everything have to change?? I have sat on the phone with Adam's mom & have cried with her asking the same thing!  I remember the day I sat in my closet and just cried with her on the phone and she said, you know Jessica, I don't understand. I don't know why you are so sick. I don't know! It didn't give me answers, but she was honest and in some way, oddly enough, it made me feel better. I sat in my closer for some time just having some time with God.  I might not understand why I'm so sick and some people aren't, I might not understand why pregnancy is rough for me and something always comes up. But I don't have to understand! All I have to do is keep going, keep trusting in Him and believing in Him! He understands, He holds the future, He is in control, He has a plan!! I'm resting in that and in that alone! I need tone grateful for today & the opportunities that He has given me so far! He won't give me more than I can handle. I have wondered  at times how can I handle all this, but I can, through Him!  I know I have said it before, but all this is so worth it... To get to that beautiful life! The strength that God builds in you through trials, the faith He builds, the trust! Through trials you find more of yourself and you grow! I'm Thankful that He is showing me more of myself through this and He is having me grow! I am blessed! I am beyond blessed that He chose me to carry this baby, to love this baby, protect this baby, even through the hard times, He knew I could handle it and He chose me! I choose to give Him thanks! I will carry this baby and bare the 24/7 sickness with grace! I will choose to not live by fear and I am choosing to trust in the Lord!  In some way as horrid as this sickness is, God is helping me find peace in the sickness. Yes, oh yes, I wish it would ease up and pray it does!! But I can't change it, only pray through it! I have to find the good in the tough! I have never had a pregnancy where I wasn't sick. By being sick, shows me the extra hormones of this baby are running through me. They are alive and working! So I will turn this sickness around and use it as a little peace! For His strength and peace I am grateful! For this moment, this day, this journey , I am thankful!  

Oh Sweet Changes

Change... That's the word around here lately! Seems as though everything has been changing in our life. From changes at home, at work, at church, with friendship, with family, with school. Not really sure of something that's not changing lol Instead of totally freaking out by all the changes, I'm trying to really embrace these changes and allow these changes to help me grow. Help me view things differently! With changes comes lots and lots of patience! Oh my yes patience! Patience for answers, patience for direction, for reassurance, for progress, for relief! God is always faithful & always provides just what we need when we need it! He never ceases to amaze me! So thankful!!
  I guess our biggest change as of now, is that our family will be GROWING by 2 sweet precious feet in August of 2013. :) We are BEYOND excited!! We found out God was blessing us with another baby on Christmas morning! What an awesome Christmas gift!! Yes it was a little bit of a surprise, but oh how thrilled, pumped, excited we are! Why did I take a test then?? Well I thought I was just car sick, from driving around Florida with Adam and his parents, but after having a couple of moments where I thought I was literally going to throw up & every smell stood out...I thought, well maybe?? Sure enough, it wasn't me being car sick.  I was pregnant! I was overjoyed, happy, excited, shocked, eager, nervous; Tons of emotions flooded my mind! I wrapped up the "pee stick" & gave it to Adam. I think he was a bit shocked too when he opened it! He was like ''you are''?  lol We are super blessed & SO very ecstatic!  More about this pregnancy to come (cause lets be honest, it needs its own post) :) Oh and a quick side note :) The ONLY reason I was comfortable with disclosing this wonderful exciting  information about "baby" is because no one I personally know is reading this. :) Ok maybe 1, but probably not lol and if by chance any of my friends who know me ARE reading this, they either already know or I'm trusting people will keep this HUSH HUSH until I PERSONALLY announce our fabulous news! So please keep this blog post between me, your computer and your eyes :) It just felt so good to share it, I couldn't resist!! Don't worry it WILL be public knowledge before you know it! I'm too excited to stay quiet any longer! I'll explain in my next post (which will be ALL about baby), why we have kept it hush hush for so long.

It might not be the brightest of 2 pink lines, but let me reassure you they only got brighter!! :)

  Our next big change....is....we are moving! Yep, moving! Not to another state or far away. We are just moving houses. Well God willing that is! Adam & I have been talking about wanting to move for a few years now, but never really felt like it was time. Then at the end of last year we both said, yep I think its time. We prayed about it & really thought about it. At Christmas time we went to Adam's grandma's for christmas.  The kids just had the best time playing around in her yard. It was then that Adam specifically feels like he felt that God was nudging him and telling him its time to move forward, time to take that step of attempting to move. So we met with a realtor at the beginning of January and lets just say after talking with him, I kind of freaked!  I thought what are we doing??? I can't do this!! Then a week later we met with another realtor & Adam & I both felt so much peace about it! We prayed & talked about it & well... we decided to go through with it! Adam fixed some things up around the house, did some touch up paint, cleaned out some stuff, they came and took pictures of the house & VOILA, as of February 15, 2013 our house officially went on the market.

Something about when this box went on the door, things got a whole lot more surreal!  

 Oh and to just back up a bit, about a week ago, we wrote a contract on another house that we were looking at. Not 100% sure its "OUR" house...but it a high possibility! We are praying nonstop & just asking God for direction & peace about all this! I have been praying that if this is His will, then things will just happen smoothly and fast! If this isn't His will, then I pray that He shuts the door fast and gives us clarity, conformation and peace about it all! We feel this is what God wants for us! Its hard though when you feel like this is right, but people are telling you its wrong. That stirs up so much doubt, confusion, worry, stress. I keep asking myself is this wrong in their eyes because its just wrong to them?? Or is it wrong because thats God trying to tell us to shut the door?? But then why would we feel like He's telling us something different?? Why would we feel His go ahead on this? Yes its a change, yes its scary, yes there a lot of unknown, and yes I am extremely sick with this pregnancy. So I understand some doubt from us & from other people. But I'm So confused!! So sometimes you just gotta walk away from all the talk and talk with just God and thats it! I'm relying on Him to guide us & direct us and for Him to give us words of truth of what He wants, not what we want! I think Adam and I came to this conclusion after this past weekend, when lets just say I crashed with my emotions and feelings and I think I was the most scared and confused about this process as I ever have been. The house had just went on the market on Friday, on Saturday we had showings all day. Wow, that fast! It had not even been on market 1 hr and people were calling to come see it. We were encouraged by that, but still everything was happening so fast! Then the doubt started to set in when we hear words against our moving & it was just a lot of discouragement for me...So it took a few days of crying, freaking out I guess you can say, praying, and talking it through with Adam for me to feel better about this! Adam and I are very open with each other about our feelings and thoughts! If there is anyone I can talk to, its Adam! I am so thankful for that! We might not always have the same worries or fears, but somehow we always seem to ease each others worries! One thing we are really good at is communicating & being there for one another, just loving on each other. Instead of struggles pulling us apart, I think we really use them to just grow closer together! So I am trusting God! Nothing more, nothing less! Its HIS will, not ours! I'm praying, seeking Him & fully relying on HIM to get us through this! This isn't suppose to be a miserable experience, so I am trying to enjoy it and learn from it! Trying not to let my fear rule me! I know that my emotions, feelings, worries are all magnified right now because, well my body is busy making a baby :) And yes...I'm sick as a dog & Adam and the kids have had to do everything for the past 6-7 wks. because I haven't really left the couch :( They have been great! So yes I am worried about how it will all happen with me being weak and sick. But I know that God is bigger then all that! If this is His will and His timing, then my sickness, or a not completely clean house, or even people seeing the house when I'm here laying on the couch, none of that is going to get in His way and His plan! Things don't have to be perfect for Him to complete His will and do His work! Because I know He is bigger than this and I know that He has a purpose and a plan! Proverbs 3:6 Seek God's Will in all you do, and He will show you the path to take. I'm seeking His will & praying that He shows us the path! Even if that path means we don't move!! I am ok with that! Jeremiah 33:2, 3 "This is God's message, the God who made earth, Made it livable and lasting, known everywhere as God;  Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own." Lord knows, Adam and I can't figure this out on our own! We are calling to Him!! Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trust in you." Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." We are fully trusting in the Lord! May we find strength in Him. Thankful over the past week that He has provided peace!  Yes I am still unsure about things and I do not know what the path holds, but at least I know that HE holds our path, our future! So for now, I continue to lay on the couch, continue to be extremely sick, continue to trust Him, continue to pray, continue to wait as we sell the house. Yes, things are changing! Not all change is bad though! Change is just change; different & sometimes thats a little scary! HE is faithful though!! It doesn't matter what season we are going through, He is STILL God and I have every reason to sing and worship Him!
  As far as changes with Adam's work... He is growing! WOOHOO!! Adam has been waiting patiently to start using 2 rigs, 2 sets of workers at 2 different jobs. I am so proud of him for his determination, his passion, his drive, his patience, his hard work, his dedication! I seriously don't know of a harder working man!! We are so very thankful for all the work that God has provided and will are praying and trusting for more work! Of course with this change and the process of growing his business, it has required more of his time! There have been strikes from the enemy to discourage Adam, but Adam hangs in there, pushes forward & believes and trust in the Lord! There have even been times where the kids haven't seen him for a couple days, (due to late nights, early mornings), times of dinner without him (that one gets me every time)...but when we need him, he is there! Things are starting to become more steady, which means he has been home more (hallelujah)!!
  School is going great! The kids are doing really awesome at Timothy this year! Tons of projects are being done & I love seeing the desire to learn on their face! Ashton is probably my biggest hurdle though right now. :( Poor dude is just struggling with his reading. Some days are great...while other days are h.o.r.r.i.b.l.e! I'm trying to figure out why this time (#3) of teaching to read is going SO slow, and is such a struggle. Is it my style of teaching, is it his lack of interest, is it his speech issue thats the problem....What IS the problem and how do I solve it??  There have been days that I have just cried and wondered what to do. I have thought about a tutor for him, I have thought about public school, and I have thought, well, that I just need to chill! It will click, when it clicks, and I need to have more patience!! He does have a speech issue which I believe is a lot of the problem. But man, when he has a good day, its a REALLY good day!! :) I want him to ENJOY school and learning! I'm gonna continue doing what we're doing, but also do a lot of praying for some patience and for some direction!

This is Ashton reading his first mini story book! It was a really good day! I'm so proud!!

   Change, change, change....Those are just a few areas of changes that are going on in our life right now!  I am so blessed and thankful and excited about 2013 and what all God is going to do and all these opportunities that He is giving us! Obviously there are more changes going on then just that, I feel like I felt so much out, but guess its long enough. lol after all not everything needs to be wrote down. :) Sorry for it being long. Wait, nope not sorry! :)  Next post about the "new" baby might be even longer :) God is good, what can I say!!
   Much love :)