Reminiscing

I wrote this post a few months back, but never published it. Sometimes I have a hard time wondering if anyone cares to read my stuff. But then I thought about what this meant to me & how i feel like it made me a little stronger & a little bit better of a mom! So I thought why not share, just maybe it would touch someone else:) Someone out there might enjoy it! So the other day I was just reminiscing about the past a little bit, & well I started to think that we always get so excited when our sweet babies have a "first"... Their first smile, first laugh, first time they sit up, first time crawling, first step, first word! All those are so fantastic! I remember every one of my kids "first". But I started to think that with every "first", comes a "last". The first time my baby walked, was the last time that they crawled. Wow, I can't remember the last time Lofton crawled. Or the first time they start saying words, is the last time you exchange those sweet joyous coos. First time they sleep through the night is the last time you get those sweet midnight smiles, those special private moments together. The first tooth they get is the last time they can bite down on your chin and share that laugh over it. That first is now a last and that moment is just a memory! All those memories kind of get lots in there. Life moves on and we forget to remember and cherish each moment.. We get so excited about the first, that we forget to celebrate & cherish those ''lasts''! I felt like in some ways we get so excited to see our kids or just things in life hurry up & move to the next level! But why? Whats the rush? For me, when I started thinking about this & really processing this it really made me want to slow down. I know, we say that all the time right? Slowing down time isn't going to happen unfortunately :( But for me this "first" & "last" thing really made me want to cherish even more every minute I get in life, every minute I get with my kids! Im not promised tomorrow so i need to appreciate today & the moments i get today before they are gone! I want to cherish even the not so nice moments! Because for one day we will look back and we will miss those moments. My little boy Houston had some "first" and "last" the other day. He learned how to ride his bike without training wheels. That day he grew up a little bit in front of me! He also learned how to climb the monkey bars. We went to the park him being a little baby only dreaming of wanting to climb them, and we left with him just a little bit taller, a little bit more proud and a last behind us. He had concoured the monkey bars! So for me, even when my kids aren't wanting to take a nap, or they are pushing my buttons or even when they are having milestones in front of my eyes, I am trying to cherish, appreciate, love, embrace all these moments!! Not that I wasn't in the past, but I have a whole new appreciation for it! Taking life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day!!

A New Normal

Last Friday my world was turned upside down just a bit!! For some it might not seem like a big deal but for me it has shook me to the core! So many thoughts & feelings run through my mind. See Lofton our now 16 month old has been having ear infections nonstop since he was about 3 months old. He got tubes around 6 1/2 months but has still been getting them at least once a month. This last ear infection left him with a ruptured ear drum & the infection has lasted a month :( He feels miserable, doesn't feel like eating & he's not sleeping. So we decided to get him tested for allergies! Yep that word right there ''allergies'' changed my world! I understand its not changing my world like cancer or death or anything more serious but its still changing the way we have to live. I feel guilty that it has rocked my world so much & I vent about it & ask people to pray for us but then I have to remind myself that everyone's struggle is different & it's big to them!
Never ever have I needed to worry about allergies or worry about what food my kids could or could not eat! Of course I love to cook more healthy & more organic & don't want my kids to have food dyes or tons of sugar, but if we wanted to splurge it was ok!! Never did I really think to be so thankful that I could eat eggs, drink milk, have a sandwich, have a burrito, have a cookie or even eat chicken nuggets! Yes those are just some of the things my sweet Lofton can't have! He tested sensitive to any kind of egg, chicken, dairy, milk, sugar, grains, & a few more things. Since I am nursing him I also have to follow this diet. My world seems to be revolved around food! I'm constantly trying to figure out what he can have & what he can't. We can't go out to eat or over any friend's house without having to bring something for him because I have no idea what he can eat. Its not that I mind, its just different! Grocery shopping takes twice as long because everything I put in the cart I have to make sure it doesn't have certain things in it. Its so hard to fine food that he can eat. Not only does it take longer but Lofton literally cries the whole time pointing at things he wants but can't have & he doesn't understand why! So there's that guilt that us moms get sometimes coming out in me! I feel horrible not letting him have simple things like a banana cause it has too much natural sugar in it! :/ Since that Friday morning a day hasn't gone by that I haven't cried over this! I wonder what could I have done different to prevent this?? Why God?? Why my child?? But deep down I know there is nothing I could've done different! This is God's story for his life right now! I'm trying to embrace it, even though It seems so extreme, so harsh, so unfair! I still feel so lost, so alone, so overwhelmed, so vulnerable, so out of control, so weak!! I know God is in control & in the center of all this! I wouldn't want anyone else to be in control & have my baby in his hands! I know He will carry us through this & I know this really isn't the end of the world!! This isn't a devastation! We asked God for answers & He gave us answers!! For that I am grateful!!! It's just an adjustment & it's a lot at one time! I fully understand that Lofton could grow out of some of these things, it's just hard in the process of figuring all this out. It's hard to see him watch his brothers & sister eat things he can't have & then cry. It's heart breaking to see your little boy lose weight either from not being able to eat anything, not wanting to eat anything or eating but his body not absorbing what he's eating! He's 16 months & size 2 diapers are too big on him, he can wear a size 1 again:(
It's thanksgiving, a time to be thankful, (well be thankful all the time)but we reflect upon all we are thankful for. I'm thankful that my 4 other sweet babies are healthy & can eat anything they want. Thankful that they could eat turkey & all the fixings:) Lofton wanted thanksgiving dinner so bad, but all he could have was a smoothie & some quinoa.. However I am grateful that although this is rough & challenging, I am so thankful that this is all he has to deal with! I am so thankful for friends who have gone through something similar that encourage me & support me! Thankful for the friends who have no clue what I am going through but are willing to stand beside me, pray for & with me & they lift me up!! Thankful for a husband who although doesn't fully understand how hard this is or the emotional roller coaster it is & at times just wants to give in, he prays for me & encourages me!! He's by my side every step of the way helping me figure this out! I pray for strength daily & I pray for patience!! I pray that My Heavenly Father's healing touch will heal my sweet boy! Take away his pain & give him strength to handle this! I fully believe that this will be a better life style to live. This is just a season that ''this too shall pass''! God keeps giving me the verse Philippians 4:13 I can do ALL things through HIM who gives me strength! The song I may be weak but your Spirits strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God you never will. Give me faith to trust what you say, that you re good & your love is great. I'm broken inside, I give you my life. I feel so weak & so thankful He is my strength. I keep reminding myself that His love is great & that He is building my faith!! Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him & He will make your paths straight! Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future! Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Psalm 59:16 But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. These are just some verses that stood out to me! So thankful for HIS reassurance And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 I figured I would write down & little bit of our journey, to look back & show Lofton all he has pushed through! To give God all the glory!!

Lofton's "thanksgiving smoothie"